The Japanese tanka is a thirty-one-syllable poem, traditionally written in a single unbroken line. A form of waka, Japanese song or verse, tanka translates as "short song," and is better known in its five-line, 5/7/5/7/7 syllable count form.
The ceiling her view
Broken heart her companion
Tears her company
No tears could explain the pain
Babies aren’t supposed to die.
After many re-writes finally the finished product. Hopefully it encases the emotion I was looking for.
Heartbreaking. Lovely. Starts strong, with your character looking only at the ceiling, presumably from a lonely bed, disabled by emotion. Ends even stronger. Definitely achieved your goal here. Beautiful tanka.
ReplyDeleteWow - your use of such stark imagery--"the ceiling her view"-- is so telling! It immediately paints the picture of your narrator in despair.
ReplyDeleteThe final line is devastating in its stark simplicity. Well done.
-Barbara @ de rebus
www(dot)derebus(dot)net
This is such a strong, heart-wrenching piece. Beautifully done.
ReplyDeleteHeart-wrenching. You certainly captured the emotion wonderfully.
ReplyDelete